Category Archives: SMILE, LAUGH & ENJOY DAY

dog, cat-funny

 

Your dog’s reaction when you get home.

Your cat’s reaction when you get home.
Cat waking up.
Dog waking up.
How you know a dog is hungry.
How you know a cat is hungry.
How a dog feels after misbehaving.
How a cat feels after misbehaving.
How a dog feels when you get him a doggie friend.
How a cat feels when you get it a kitty friend.
How a dog steals food.
How a cat steals food.
When a cat annoys a dog.
When a dog annoys a cat.
A dog’s reaction to getting wet.
A cat’s reaction to getting wet.
Dog’s reaction to a walk.
Cat’s reaction to a walk.

                                                                            starsblinking

 

 

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. 
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. 

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?

He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

  I didn’t want to appear  stupid, but nonetheless inquired
,

‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’


Eric grinned
‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

‘No,’ I replied.


‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
 

So I wrote down:
 


ID10T


I used to like Eric, the little smart
head.

AN ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION-joke…

 
 

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have beenwith a loose girl’.The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’

 
‘Yes, Father, it is.’‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.

Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

 
‘I cannot say.’‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

 
‘I’ll never tell.’‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

 
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

 
‘My lips are sealed.’‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

 
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Mike Meyers slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

‘Four month’s vacation and five good leads.’

Neat Stuff you need to know?

These are really good. Stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know!

Men can read smaller 
print than women can; women can hear better. 

———— 
Coca-Cola was originally green.
———— 

It is impossible to lick 
your elbow. 
———

The State with the 
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
———— 
The percentage of 
Africa that is wilderness: 28% 
(now get this…)
———— 
The percentage of 
North America that is wilderness: 38% 
———— 
The cost of raising 
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: 



$ 16,400

———— 
The average number 
of people airborne over the U.S.
 in any given hour:
61,000
————
Intelligent people 
have more zinc and copper in their hair..
———— 
The first novel ever 
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
———— 
The San Francisco 
Cable cars are the only mobile
 National Monuments.
———— 
Each king in a deck 
of playing cards represents a great king from history: 


Spades – King David 


Hearts – Charlemagne 


Clubs -Alexander, the Great 


Diamonds – Julius Caesar
————
111,111,111 x 
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
———— 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse 
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. 
If the horse has one front leg in the air, 
the person died because of wounds received in battle. 
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes 
———— 
Only two people 
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
 John Hancock and Charles Thomson.Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later. 
———— 
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace 
———— 
Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
 What is the most popular boat name requested? 

A. 
Obsession
———— 
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
 how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter ‘A’? 


A. One thousand
———— 
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
 windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? 

A. All were invented 
by women.
———— 
Q. What is the only 
food that doesn’t spoil? 
A. Honey
———— 
Q. Which day are there more collect calls

 than any other day of the year?A. Father’s Day
———— 
In Shakespeare’s time,

 mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. 
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, 
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the 
phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’ 
———— 
It was the accepted 
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply
 his new son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 
———— 
In English pubs, ale 
is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when 
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ . . . 


It’s where we get 
the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’
———— 
Many years ago in 
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
 into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.When they needed a refill ,

they used the whistle to get some service.
‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice. 
———— 
At least 75% of 
people who read this will try
 to lick their elbow!
———— 
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING
 IN 2014 when… 1. You accidentally 
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t 
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers

 to reach your family of three.4. You e-mail the person who

 works at the desk next to you.5. Your reason for not staying in touch

 with friends and family is that they 
don’t have e-mail addresses. 
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your

 cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries…7. Every commercial on television

 has a Web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,


which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,

is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it !
Scary isn’t it? J10. You get up in the morning and go on-line

 before getting your coffee11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂 

12 You’re reading this and

 nodding and laughing.13. Even worse, you know exactly

 to whom you are going to forward this message.14. You are too busy 
to notice there was no #9 on this list. 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

.~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW you’re LAUGHING at yourself!

 Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves,

for they shall never cease to be amused!”
(Unknown Author)
———— 
Go on, share this with
your friends. You know you want to!
And try to lick your elbow again
garbowski.net

Do elephants remember?-not too funny…

 What an amazing story

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, in 2002, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant… Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe’s legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

—–Probably wasn’t the same        elephant.—–
garbowski.net

cowboy boots

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
 
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
 
Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”
 
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
 
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
 
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
 
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
 
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.
 
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS !!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
see more at garbowski.net

 

“Good  friends are like quilts-they age with you, yet never  lose  their warmth.”
    I  have seen too many dear friends leave this world, to soon before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
   Whose  business is it,  if I choose to read,  or play on the  computer until  4 AM, or sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to  those wonderful  tunes of the 50s, 60s & 70s, and if I,  at the  same  time,wish  to weep over a lost love, I will.
   I  will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a  bulging  body,  and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose   to,
 despite  the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will  get  old.
   I  know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life   is just as  well forgotten. And, eventually,  I remember the important  things.
   Sure,  over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your  heart  not break,  when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or   even when  somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car?   But broken  hearts  are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion.

A   heart never  broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know  the joy  of being  imperfect.
   I  am so  blessed to have lived long enough to have my  hair  turning

gray,  and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into  deep grooves  on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many  have  died before  their hair could turn silver.
   As  you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less  about what  other people think.  I don’t question myself  anymore.   I’ve even earned  the right to be wrong.
   So,  to answer a question,  I like being old.  It has set me  free.  I like  the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,   but while  I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what  could  have 
been,  or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert   every
single  day (if I feel like it).
   MAY  OUR  FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN  IT’S  STRAIGHT
 
FROM  THE  HEART!

   Inline image 1

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA.

      ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL
      ARMSTRONG  WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
      HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
      “THAT’S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,”
      WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

      BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC
      REMARK – “GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY”.

      MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME
      RIVAL  SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN
      Or AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

      OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE -‘GOOD LUCK, MR.           GORSKY’ STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS   FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD  QUESTION ABOUT Mr. Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
 

 

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO “WHO WAS MR GORSKY”:IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS
PLAYING  BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.    HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR’S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.    HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE  BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,
“SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU’LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE
MOON!”

garbowski.net

 

The drunk and the Priest-funny…

Laughter is good for the soul

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half-empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,”Say Father,
what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow
man,sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be.” Then returned to his
paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does.”

woman goes to heaven – funny…

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
 
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
 
God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
 
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
 
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
 
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
 
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
 
God replied: “Geez! I didn’t recognize you.”
garbowski.net

Master Card Wedding



  

You got to love this guy… This is a true story about a recent   wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a

microphone to talk to the crowd.  He said he wanted to thank everyone

for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their

wedding.                   

      

                   

      ;              

                   

                   

               

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to

thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

                   

                   

                   

                   

                   

   

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with

the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a

private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a

couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘F—you!’ Then

he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after

finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if

nothing were wrong.

His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for

a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing

the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and

family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

 


‘Life isn’t like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it’s more like a

jar of Jalapenos–what you do today, might burn your rear.

 

A GERMAN WONDERLAND

AMAZING…

There have been little clips about this place for the past few years, it is still not finished but is growing to that conclusion as they will soon run out of space.  A short review…. it was started by two brothers as a place to show their hobby, it started growing by leaps & bounds.

 

Soon they were joined by other ‘Model Railroad Clubs’ and other craftsmen.  Some were electricians, model makers, carpenters, computer programmers, their wives would stop by to see what they were doing and usually bring them a lunch.  One thing led to another, 3 of the ladies had worked at a bakery,  several visitors would ask if they had a snack bar. The idea was planted, some of the carpenters came and built a nice restaurant area for the bakery and a kitchen too. If the fresh coffee smell didn’t get you then the bakery definitely would.  This was about 5 years ago. One of the Breweries came and furnished all of the tables and chairs, serving counter, etc.  Their latest finished area is the airport.  Planes look like they are flying and landing.

 

 

 

GERMAN WONDERLAND link below –        AMAZING

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/embed/ACkmg3Y64_s?rel=0

garbowski.net

Master Card Wedding…

                                   yellowredTulip

  
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.


After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. 
 He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.                   

   
He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to

thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

                 
Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a

couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘F—you!’ Then

he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after

finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for

a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing

the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and

family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

‘Life isn’t like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it’s more like a jar of Jalapenos–what you do today, might burn your rear… tomorrow……’

 

I believe our life can…

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died.
Pictures show that we live!
Have a seat. Relax . . .
And read this slowly.
I Believe…
That just because two people argue,
It doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue,
It doesn’t mean they do love each other.
I Believe
That we don’t have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe….
That no matter how good a friend is,
They’re going to hurt you,
Every once in a while
And you must forgive them for that
.
I Believe…..
That true friendship continues to grow,
Even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I Believe…
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.
I Believe….
That it’s taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
I Believe…
That you should always leave loved ones with Loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe….
That you can keep going long after you think you can’t
.
I Believe….
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe…
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe….
That heroes are the people
Who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done,
Regardless of the consequences.
I Believe….
That my best friend and I
Can do anything or nothing
And have the best time
..
I Believe….
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re

Down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe…
That sometimes when I’m angry
I have the right to be angry, but that
Doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe…
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had
And what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I Believe…..
That it isn’t always enough,
To be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn
To forgive yourself.
I Believe…
That no matter how bad
Your heart is broken,
The world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I Believe….
That our background and circumstances
May have influenced who we are, but,
We are responsible for who we become.
I Believe…
That you shouldn’t be
So eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.
I Believe….
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.
I Believe…
That your life can be changed
In a matter of hours
By people who don’t even know you.
I Believe…
That even when you think
You have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you,
You will find the strength to help.
I Believe…
That credentials on the wall
Do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe…
That the people you care about
Most in life are taken from you too soon.
I Believe…
That you should send this to
All of the people that you
believe in.
I just did.
‘The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best
of everything;
they just make the most of everything they have.

 

funny… colon

Colon

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

 

 


“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so with out me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The
 legs got wobbl y,
The eyes got watery,
And the
 blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
..
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work…
The
.. hole is usually in charge


Just Fred- funny…

 

 AH, CONSEQUENCES!  CAUSE & EFFECT EXAGGERATED! 

 

 

 Fred
Just Fred

 

 

 

 

 

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing. 

smile             garbowski.net

woman – about life..

                                           cropped-flower.jpg

 A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother.

  As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of  life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.. ‘Don’t forget your  sisters,’ she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. ‘They’ll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters.

 Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them. ‘‘Remember that ‘sisters’ means ALL the women… your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. ‘You’ll need other women.

 Women always do.’ What a funny piece of advice!’ the young woman thought. Haven’t I just gotten married? Haven’t I just joined the couple-world? I’m now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup!

 Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!’ But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year.

 As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about.  As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I’ve learned:  

  THIS SAYS IT ALL: Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don’t do what they’re supposed to do. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget  favors. Careers end. BUT……… Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

 A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open  arms at the valley’s end. 

  Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you….Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law,  sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life! The world wouldn’t be the same without women, and neither would I..

  When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the  incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still. Enjoy every moment.

garbowski.net

fine life advice…

bird

fine advice in these words,  even if  you’re not superstitious.

for good  luck from the Anthony  Robbins  organization.

This is true, even if  you are not  superstitious, agnostic, or  otherwise faith  impaired.

ONE.  Give   people more than they expect and do it   cheerfully.  

TWO.   Marry  a man/woman  you love to talk to. As you get  older,  their conversational skills will be as   important as any other.  

THREE.  Don’t   believe all you hear, spend all you have  or  sleep all you want.  

FOUR.   When  you say, ‘I love  you,’ mean   it.  

FIVE.   When  you say, ‘I’m  sorry,’ look the person in the  eye.  

SIX.  Be   engaged at least six months before you get   married.  

SEVEN.  Believe   in love at first   sight.

EIGHT.  Never   laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t  have  dreams don’t have much.  

NINE…   Love  deeply and  passionately. You might get hurt but  it’s  the only way to live life completely.  

TEN..   In  disagreements,  fight fairly. No name calling.  

ELEVEN.   Don’t   judge people by their   relatives.

TWELVE.   Talk  slowly but think   quickly.

THIRTEEN.  When  someone asks  you a question you don’t want to  answer,  smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to  know?’  

FOURTEEN.   Remember  that great  love and great achievements involve  great  risk.

FIFTEEN.   Say  ‘bless you’ when  you hear someone sneeze.  

SIXTEEN.   When  you lose, don’t  lose the   lesson.  

SEVENTEEN.   Remember  the three  R’s: Respect for self; Respect for  others;  and Responsibility for all your actions.  

EIGHTEEN.   Don’t  let a little  dispute injure a great friendship.  

NINETEEN.   When  you realize you’ve  made a mistake, take  immediate steps to  correct   it.  

TWENTY.  Smile when picking up the phone.  The  caller will hear it in your  voice  

TWENTY-   ONE. Spend  some time  alone.

garbowski.net

 

How did the human race appear?-funny…

THE CREATION

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so was all mankind made..”

FwTHECRE

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered,
“Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

FwTHECRE 1

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ” Mum , how is it possible that
you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys ?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
              side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Twenty places that don’t look real

1. Bamboo Forest ( China )
                                                           Bamboo-Forest-ChinaImage credits: Yuya Horikawa | Tomoaki Kabe

2. Black Forest ( Germany )

Black-Forest-GermanyImage credits: andy linden

3. Fields of Tea ( China )

Fields-of-Tea-ChinaImage credits: unknown

4. Hang Son Doong ( Vietnam )

Hang-Son-Doong-VietnamImage credits: Carsten Peter

5. Hitachi Seaside Park ( Japan )

Hitachi-Seaside-Park-JapanImage credits: nipomen2 | sename777

6. Lake Hillier ( Australia )

Lake-Hillier-AustraliaImage credits: Ockert Le Roux

7. Lake Retba (Sengal)

Lake-Retba-SengalImage credits: buzzfeed

8. Antelope Canyon ( USA )

Antelope-Canyon-USAImage credits: CSMphotography

9. Lavender Fields (France)

Lavender-Fields-FranceImage credits: Antony Spencer | Erasmus T

10. Mendenhall Ice Caves ( Alaska )

Mendenhall-Ice-Caves-AlaskaImage credits: Kent Mearig

11. Mount Roraima ( South America )

Mount-Roraima-South-AmericaImage credits: imgur.com | Uwe George

12. Naico Mine ( Mexico )

Naico-Mine-Mexico-2Via: daytraveling | tumblr

13. Red Beach ( China )

Red-Beach-ChinaImage credits: MJiA

14. Solar du Uyuni ( Bolivia )

Solar-du-Uyuni-BoliviaImage credits: dadi360

15. Tianzi Mountains ( China )

Tianzi-Mountains-ChinaImage credits: Richard Janecki

16. Tulip Fields ( Netherlands )

Tulip-Fields-NetherlandsImage credits: nicole_denise

17. Tunnel of Love ( Ukraine )

Tunnel-of-Love-UkraineImage credits: Oleg Gordienko

18. Wisteria Flower Tunnel ( Japan )

Wisteria-Flower-Tunnel-Japan2Image credits: imgur.com | mindphoto.blog.fc2.com

19. Zhangye Danxia Landform ( China )

Zhangye-Danxia-Landform-China20. Zhangye Danxia Landform ( China )
Zhangye-Danxia-Landform-China

some good life tips-laughing

 

Make sure you read the six truths of life at the end.


Be well, stay safe, and SMILE (it makes your face
feel good), and if smiles are good, laughs are even better.
It’s been said, “You don’t stop laughing when you die,
you die when you stop laughing!!”


Here is the plan: send this flower to four people that you want to have a good day. I picked you. Please consider passing this to four people you want to have a good day. This is SO positive and there is nothing attached. Let’s continue to send this along. Have a bright sunny day! (I know I picked more than four, and you can, too.)

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

I sincerely apologize about this but I’m an idiot and I needed company. Now put a smile on someone’s face today.

Geezer Planet-getting old

 

We’ll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we’ll be new friends every day thereafter

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Bubbles are fun at any age

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When you don ‘t have a life insurance policy…
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Some grandmas are just too cute

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Special customized walker

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Never too late to join a dance troupe

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Old man Leroy was never quite the same after the folding beach chair accident
.
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What a great concept. Should be franchised.

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And the very best for last:
Shadows of yesteryear

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Excitement-pictures

Looking for something exciting to do ?  How about?
   

Cliff camping
 
 
 
 
 
Skywalking in the Alps
 
 
 
 
Portaledge camping at Yosemite
 
 
 
 
Climbing Redwoods
 
 
 
 
Sitting on the Trolltunga rock in Norway
 
 
 
 
Jumping on the Trolltunga rock in Norway
 
 
 
 
Rock climbing in South Africa
 
 
 
 
Ice climbing a frozen waterfall
 
 
 
 
Extreme picnicking
 
 
 
 
Extreme skiing in Wyoming
 
 
 
 
Skywalking on Mount Nimbus in Canada
 
 
 
 
Tree camping in Germany
 
 
 
 
Just having a look around
 
 
 
Extreme kayaking at Victoria Falls
 
 
 
 
Diving 30 meters through a rock monolith in Portugal
 
 
 
 
Climbing Organ Pipes on Mount Wellington, Tasmania, Australia
 
 
 
 
Standing on the Edgewalk in Toronto
 
 
 
 
Cycling in Norway
 
 
 
 
Sitting around at Yosemite
 
 
 
 
Walking over a crevice
 
 
 
 Glacierboarding 
 
 
 
 
Biking on the Cliffs of Moher, County Clare, Ireland
 
 

 

 

dog-cat Life….in 6 pictures

 

 

Look carefully in each picture for the cat as it
makes its way down from the roof to the dog.
Then, check the explanation at the end.
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The story behind these pictures is this:
Every day — at the same time — she waits for him.
Sometimes she barks to call him.
He comes; they rub and greet each other and they go for a walk.
They have done this for 5 years
and no, they don’t belong to the same owners.

The owners didn’t know until neighbors, seeing them together so frequently, commented to the cat’s owner, who then followed the dog home and discovered it was a distance away, not in a house close by or next door.

How it started no one knows.
Wouldn’t it be great to have friends like this? . . . . always there, no words needed . . . . they just intuitively recognize the value of each other in their lives and act accordingly.
 
             Live, Laugh, Love
Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is.
The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.
 
LOVE~~the most powerful force in the world.
A wise person once said …
There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and the people who create it.
You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good.
So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t.
 
Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living

Great photos to enjoy !!!

Unusual pictures

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The beautiful strange-eyed kitten, taken in Lovech , Bulgaria in the summer of 2009 by Bobby Pfeiffer.

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A 7 months old puppy named Geo pushed a 10 year old boy out of the way of oncoming Truck and took the impact himself.


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There are glass igloos for rent in Finland where you can sleep under the Northern Lights!

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This is Glaucus atlanticus, a sea slug found in tropical and temperate waters throughout the world. This photograph makes the rounds on Facebook every few months simply because it’s so strangely beautiful.

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Einstein – The World’s Smallest Horse.

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Zakynthos Island, Greece.
The water is so clear, it looks like the boat is floating in the air.

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This horse breed, Akhal-Teke from Turkmenistan was announced the most beautiful horse in the world.

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This is what an Ocean Sand looks like when it is magnified 250 times

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Unbelievable Camouflage by Satanic leaf-tailed gecko.
The satanic leaf-tailed gecko from Madagascar is a master of disguise, but that’s not the only way it avoids an attack from predators. It flattens its body against the leaves to reduce its shadow, and opens its jaws wide to show an intimidating, bright red mouth. Like many other lizards, it can also shed its own tail to distract a predator.

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The Inside of an Oyster, growing Pearls..

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California Red-Sided Garter Snake.

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This is how Giraffes drink water.

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During the mating season, the female sits on a nesting ring while the males searches the entire beach for the pebbles looking for the smoothest one to present to their chosen female. Once a pebble has been selected, the male penguins presents the pebble as a token of love to the chosen female and if she takes the pebble and places it on her nest then she has accepted that penguin as her mate.

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This is what happens to human skin when it’s struck by lightning!

It’s called a Lichtenberg figure – the branching pattern made by electricity as seen on the arm of Winston Kemp who was struck by lightning.

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The incredible story of one woman’s loyalty to her horse – she spent three hours holding its head above the tide after it got stuck in the mud on a beach in Australia.

A horse gets stuck up to his neck in mud on a beach as the tide rises. His owner, Nicole Graham, who was enjoying an afternoon ride, stayed with him as rescuers struggled for three hours to pull him out. With moments to spare, the 500kg horse, named Astro, was freed with the help of a tractor and harness at Avalon Beach in Geelong , Victoria , Australia .

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It’s an amazing natural sight at Abraham lake with the Frozen bubbles under the ice.

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Zanjeer, The Golden Labrador Who Saved Thousands Of Lives.

In March 1993, a series of 12 bombs went off across Mumbai , India . The serial blasts left 257 dead and 713 injured. But in the aftermath, an unlikely hero emerged. According to Reuters, a golden Labrador named Zanjeer worked with the bomb squad and saved thousands of lives by detecting “more than 3,329 kgs of the explosive RDX, 600 detona…tors, 249 hand grenades and 6406 rounds of live ammunition.” He helped avert three more bombs in the days following the blasts.

The dog died of bone cancer in 2000. He was eight years old.

In the photo, a senior police officer lays a wreath of flowers on Zanjeer as he was buried with full police honors at a widely-attended ceremony.

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This Is What An Underwater Gunshot Looks Like

 

Master Card Wedding

 

 


You got to love this guy… This is a true story about a recent   wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a

microphone to talk to the crowd.  He said he wanted to thank everyone

for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their

wedding.                   

      

                   

               

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to

thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

                   

                   

                   

                   

                   

   

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with

the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a

private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a

couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘F—you!’ Then

he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after

finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if

nothing were wrong.

His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for

a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing

the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and

family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.


‘Life isn’t like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it’s more like a

jar of Jalapenos–what you do today, might burn your rear

tomorrow……’

 

 

 

 

1919 Photo

If you were around in 1919 and

Came upon the following poster… 

I mean, seriously, wouldn’t you

just keep drinking?

natural motivation


LET IT REALLY SINK IN…….
THEN CHOOSE

John is the kind of guy you love to hate.   He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say.  When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, ‘If I were any better, I would be twins!’
He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, ‘I don’t get it!’

‘You can’t be a positive person all of the time.  How do you do it?’He replied, ‘Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today.  You can choose to be in a good mood or…you can choose to be in a bad mood

I choose to be in a good mood.’

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or…I can choose to learn from it.  I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or…I can point out the positive side of life.  I choose the positive side of life..

‘Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,’ I protested.

‘Yes, it is,’ he said.  ‘Life is all about choices.  When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.  You choose how you react to situations.  You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.  The bottom line:  It’s your choice how you live your life.’

I reflected on what he said..  Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business.  We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, ‘If I were any better, I’d be twins…Wanna see my scars?’

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

‘The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,’ he replied.  ‘Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices:  I could choose to live or….I could choose to die.  I chose to live.’

‘Weren’t you scared?  Did you lose consciousness?’  I asked.

He continued, ‘…the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine.  But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.  In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man’.  I knew I needed to take action.’

‘What did you do?’ I asked.

‘Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,’ said John.  ‘She asked if I was allergic to anything ‘Yes, I replied.’  The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.  I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity”

Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live..  Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.’

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude….I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

 Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.’  Matthew 6:34

garbowski.net

Senior Wedding-funny

ackmmmm

 
Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

The Night Light – funny

 

A 90-year-old  man goes for a physical.  All of his tests come back with normal  results.  The doctor says, “George, everything looks great.  How are  you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?”
 
George replies, “God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor  eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to  the bathroom, poof!  The light goes on.  When I’m done, poof!   The light goes off.”
 
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor  says.
 
A little later in the day,  the doctor calls George’s wife.  “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing  fine!  But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with  God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! … the light  goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! … the light goes  off?”
 
“Oh sweet Jesus” exclaims  Ethel.  “He’s peeing in the refrigerator  again!”

BANK ACCOUNT!!!

                   starsblinking
 
This is AWESOME … something we should all remember.
A 92-year-old, small, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
 
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
 
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. I love it,’ he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
 
Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.’
 
‘That doesn’t have anything to do with it,’ he replied.
 
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
 
Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged … it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. ‘It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
 
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away. Just for this time in my life.
 
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in.   So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
 
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.     I am still depositing.
 
‘Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
     1. Free your heart from hatred.
     2. Free your mind from worries.
     3. Live simply.
     4. Give more.
     5. Expect less.


 
Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans.

Stella Awards

yellowredTulip
     It’s time again for the annual “Stella Awards.”  For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee.  You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.  Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the  U.S.  You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head and say WTF.  So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year: 

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.  The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!


*  SIXTH PLACE   *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more…

*  FIFTH PLACE  *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.  Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.  Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.  Keep scratching .. There are more……

Double hand scratching after this one…..


* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.  Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.  The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Only two more so ease up on the scratching….

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth.  Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 …… oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. 

OK.  Here we go!!


FIRST PLACE  *

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was:  Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of  Oklahoma City,  Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.  On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.  The Oklahoma jury awarded her — are you sitting down? — $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor

home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Engineers – who can understand them…

 

Engineers –  who can understand them?      man - draftsman

 

 

Understanding Engineers #1

   Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one

 said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”  The second engineer replied,

 “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a

 beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all 

 her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”  The first engineer nodded 

 approvingly and said, “Good choice:  The clothes probably wouldn’t fit you

 anyway.”

                                                               man - cool

 

Understanding Engineers #2

   To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is

 half-empty.  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

                                                         man - singing opera

 

 

 

   Understanding Engineers #3

   A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a

 particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those 

 guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”  The doctor chimed

 in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”  The priest said,

 “Here comes the greens-keeper.  Let’s have a word with him.”  He said,

 “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather

 slow, aren’t they?”  The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes.  That’s a group

 of blind firemen.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire

 last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”  The group fell

 silent for a moment.  The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say

 a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea.  I’m

 going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything

 she can do for them.”  The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

                                                               man - golf

 

 

 

   Understanding Engineers #4

   What is the difference between mechanical engineers 

and civil engineers?

   Mechanical engineers build weapons.

   Civil engineers build targets 

                                                      man - construction

    

 

 

 

 

   Understanding Engineers #5

   The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”  The 

 graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”  The

 graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”  The

 graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

                                                           Man - sly

 

   Understanding Engineers #6

   Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must

 have designed the human body.  One said, “It was a mechanical engineer.

 Just look at all the joints.”  Another said, “No, it was an electrical

 engineer.  The nervous system has many thousands of electrical

 connections.”  The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a

 civil engineer.  Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a

 recreational area?”

                                                                     man - w laptop

 

 

 

Understanding Engineers #7

   Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers

 believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

                                              man - anouncer A

 

 

 

   Understanding Engineers #8

   An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him

 and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”  He bent

 over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.  The frog spoke up

 again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess

 and stay with you for one week.”  The engineer took the frog out of his

 pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  The frog then cried

 out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you

 for one week and do anything you want.”  Again, the engineer took the frog

 out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.  Finally, the frog

 asked, “What is the matter?  I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and

 that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.  Why won’t

 you kiss me?”  The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer.  I don’t have

 time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

                                            man - Mr Cool

 

 

man - jackhammer 

 

 

Wise Clips From Various Soothsayers

A Little Day Brightener

barbecue

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
— Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
— Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
–Joe Namath

I don’t feel old.  I don’t feel anything until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

BBQ Season-funny

       barbecue

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it’s the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.