Monthly Archives: June 2013

A TWINKLE IN YOUR WRINKLE

Now here’s an e-mail that everyone should get, at least once in their life.   This is wonderful and the thought at the end is so true!



















Never look down on anybody, unless you’re helping them up.

Please read the following quietly then share with others:

Time waits for no one.  Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.

The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Remember …  Hold on tight to the ones you love !

garbowski.com  ~  



Senior Wedding-funny

ackmmmm

 
Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

The Night Light – funny

 

A 90-year-old  man goes for a physical.  All of his tests come back with normal  results.  The doctor says, “George, everything looks great.  How are  you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?”
 
George replies, “God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor  eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to  the bathroom, poof!  The light goes on.  When I’m done, poof!   The light goes off.”
 
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor  says.
 
A little later in the day,  the doctor calls George’s wife.  “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing  fine!  But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with  God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! … the light  goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! … the light goes  off?”
 
“Oh sweet Jesus” exclaims  Ethel.  “He’s peeing in the refrigerator  again!”

remedies using vodka

1. To remove a bandage painlessly,

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saturatethe bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesives.

 


2. To clean the caulking around bathtubsand

 

showers,fill a trigger-spraybottlewithvodka,

 

spray the caulking,let setfive minutes, and

 

wash clean.
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The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew

 

without the dangers and fumes of chlorine.


3. To clean your eyeglasses,simply wipe the

 

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lenses with a soft,
clean cloth dampened with vodka.

 

The alcoholin the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.


4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka
and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol
after shaving.

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The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.


5. Spray vodka on wine stains,

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scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.


6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face

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as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.


7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.

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The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins

 

from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.


8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka

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and spray bees or wasps to kill them.


9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half

 

cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag
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and freeze for a slushy, refreshing

 

ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.


10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar
with freshly packed lavender flowers,

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fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the

 

sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter,

then apply the tincture to aches and pains.


11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth

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to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.


12. To cure foot odour, wash your feet with vodka.
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13 Vodka will disinfect

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and alleviate a jellyfish sting.


14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy

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to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.


15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.

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Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

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And silly me! I used to drink the crap!

thank you for visiting: garbowski.net

BANK ACCOUNT!!!

                   starsblinking
 
This is AWESOME … something we should all remember.
A 92-year-old, small, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
 
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
 
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. I love it,’ he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
 
Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.’
 
‘That doesn’t have anything to do with it,’ he replied.
 
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
 
Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged … it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. ‘It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
 
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away. Just for this time in my life.
 
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in.   So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
 
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.     I am still depositing.
 
‘Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
     1. Free your heart from hatred.
     2. Free your mind from worries.
     3. Live simply.
     4. Give more.
     5. Expect less.


 
Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans.

Stella Awards

yellowredTulip
     It’s time again for the annual “Stella Awards.”  For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee.  You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.  Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the  U.S.  You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head and say WTF.  So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year: 

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.  The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!


*  SIXTH PLACE   *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more…

*  FIFTH PLACE  *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.  Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.  Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.  Keep scratching .. There are more……

Double hand scratching after this one…..


* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.  Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.  The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Only two more so ease up on the scratching….

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth.  Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 …… oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. 

OK.  Here we go!!


FIRST PLACE  *

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was:  Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of  Oklahoma City,  Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.  On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.  The Oklahoma jury awarded her — are you sitting down? — $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor

home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Engineers – who can understand them…

 

Engineers –  who can understand them?      man - draftsman

 

 

Understanding Engineers #1

   Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one

 said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”  The second engineer replied,

 “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a

 beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all 

 her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”  The first engineer nodded 

 approvingly and said, “Good choice:  The clothes probably wouldn’t fit you

 anyway.”

                                                               man - cool

 

Understanding Engineers #2

   To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is

 half-empty.  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

                                                         man - singing opera

 

 

 

   Understanding Engineers #3

   A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a

 particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those 

 guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”  The doctor chimed

 in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”  The priest said,

 “Here comes the greens-keeper.  Let’s have a word with him.”  He said,

 “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather

 slow, aren’t they?”  The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes.  That’s a group

 of blind firemen.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire

 last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”  The group fell

 silent for a moment.  The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say

 a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea.  I’m

 going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything

 she can do for them.”  The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

                                                               man - golf

 

 

 

   Understanding Engineers #4

   What is the difference between mechanical engineers 

and civil engineers?

   Mechanical engineers build weapons.

   Civil engineers build targets 

                                                      man - construction

    

 

 

 

 

   Understanding Engineers #5

   The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”  The 

 graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”  The

 graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”  The

 graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

                                                           Man - sly

 

   Understanding Engineers #6

   Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must

 have designed the human body.  One said, “It was a mechanical engineer.

 Just look at all the joints.”  Another said, “No, it was an electrical

 engineer.  The nervous system has many thousands of electrical

 connections.”  The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a

 civil engineer.  Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a

 recreational area?”

                                                                     man - w laptop

 

 

 

Understanding Engineers #7

   Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers

 believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

                                              man - anouncer A

 

 

 

   Understanding Engineers #8

   An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him

 and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”  He bent

 over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.  The frog spoke up

 again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess

 and stay with you for one week.”  The engineer took the frog out of his

 pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  The frog then cried

 out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you

 for one week and do anything you want.”  Again, the engineer took the frog

 out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.  Finally, the frog

 asked, “What is the matter?  I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and

 that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.  Why won’t

 you kiss me?”  The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer.  I don’t have

 time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

                                            man - Mr Cool

 

 

man - jackhammer 

 

 

Wise Clips From Various Soothsayers

A Little Day Brightener

barbecue

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
— Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
— Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
–Joe Namath

I don’t feel old.  I don’t feel anything until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.