A Little Day Brightener
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
— Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything untilnoon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.